In any kind of times,
Right, happy, the opposite ones,
When feels like loosing mind,
I see a smile,
My grandmother is looking into my eyes:
Remember only one thing,
God is on our side!
My grandmother has a
uncle,
He is living in Siberia, very old man now.
I have his picture when he was young, how many years ago, may be 80?
And he was in love with a gypsy girl, but his family was very much against it.
Was a big "no".
She knew (this what he said to my great grandma and grandma), read on her gypsy cards, card reading, that he will go to the war and they will never met again.
She gave her birth bracelet, thinking may be this only how she could save the man she loved.
The one gypsies used to wear on new born girls, kind of biggest life protection.
And the gypsies were not allowed to give it away.
She did, and he kept it all trough the war, may be looking every day,
Thinking how they will meet again.
When he was back, the father said, that her family tried to move south to look for some relatives,
She didn't returned back,
It was second winter, the worst in four years.
Gypsies were feeding only children...
One time we went to this house with a lot of trees.
The house was hiding in the middle of white flowers and green leaves.
Owner, a woman, was very beautiful.
It wasn't just ordinary beauty, it was beauty above.
She was kind of big, curvy, long hair, blue eyes, blushing cheeks, smile, cross on her neck.
I had never seen a woman like this.
An ancient Slavic queen.
At list, she looked to me.
We had tea and jam.
All from my garden,
She said.
Laughing non stop, talking.
I have nothing to worry.
She said.
On way home I asked my grandma,
Who was this woman.
My friend's daughter.
The mother found a baby in a cabbage, right at her garden, adopted.
We always were joking, that every tree or flower the little girl touched turns green, even dry trees.
May be she was born in the cabbage?
No! Some one left a baby, run away. Still it's strange, such connection with the nature...
I have nothing to worry.
She said.
On way home I asked my grandma,
Who was this woman.
My friend's daughter.
The mother found a baby in a cabbage, right at her garden, adopted.
We always were joking, that every tree or flower the little girl touched turns green, even dry trees.
May be she was born in the cabbage?
No! Some one left a baby, run away. Still it's strange, such connection with the nature...
What helped us in 90 th,
I think,
Was my mom's strong personality,
My grandmother's believe that everything will be okay
(One day).
And our sense of humor.
All was funny, making soup from hotdogs, empty shops, learning in school how to make skirt from father' old pants,
Chickens on the balcony, pig in the living room, bunnies, 150 pounds dog...
I think,
Was my mom's strong personality,
My grandmother's believe that everything will be okay
(One day).
And our sense of humor.
All was funny, making soup from hotdogs, empty shops, learning in school how to make skirt from father' old pants,
Chickens on the balcony, pig in the living room, bunnies, 150 pounds dog...
This was 90th: crisis, depression, people loosing jobs, nothing working, crimes.
Many people felt no hope.
And on other side it is still life, tomorrow, children, couldn't stop living or start sleeping.
You have to go against it: live, love and believe
In God, in hope, yourself, the government, good people.
And that hard time went by.
It made me strong in some way, I have seen and learned how to care, not about anything, but human life,
Giving a smile, saying something funny, going against the dirt, trying to look like everything is perfect...
This why I am saying, take care of yourself
Especially when you are one of a kind.:)
The best thing about 90th,
We had a chance to see two cultures,
See the end of one country
And the beginning of another.
We learned to be young and freedom,
Not afraid of anything much,
Walking at nights wearing mini dresses,
Make up, speaking loud,
And shy at the same time.
Part of communist culture,
When women had to be covered and thought about great work results.
We dreamed about becoming prostitutes,
All from new 90 th movies. I had never seen anything like that before.
Old ones had women working on factories and farms.
I never became one,
Only wear mini ever since.
I think we were last generation who grew up, learned the most, in both Russia and the Soviet Union,
Without much stress, studied, enjoyed life,
Let our parents to think about the rest...
We had a chance to see two cultures,
See the end of one country
And the beginning of another.
We learned to be young and freedom,
Not afraid of anything much,
Walking at nights wearing mini dresses,
Make up, speaking loud,
And shy at the same time.
Part of communist culture,
When women had to be covered and thought about great work results.
We dreamed about becoming prostitutes,
All from new 90 th movies. I had never seen anything like that before.
Old ones had women working on factories and farms.
I never became one,
Only wear mini ever since.
I think we were last generation who grew up, learned the most, in both Russia and the Soviet Union,
Without much stress, studied, enjoyed life,
Let our parents to think about the rest...
Back to 90th...
Another big thing was terrorism,
For Sunday topic.
Young boys going to the war,
My stepbrothers went.
The oldest was attacked, for a week couldn't get out from three stones, with three friends, with who after he started own business.
He said, they are only who he can trust.
Many boys, 18 years old, went from our city.
In I think in five cities someone mixed sugar and detonate, put in the basements of apartment buildings, were explosions and the buildings collapsed.
My aunt was living in the big city,
And every evening she had to go with other people to check if everything was fine.
Explosions on subways, hostages in a theater, students in school.
This kind of news were on TV every day.
But my mom, was teaching in medical college at that time,
Had a couple of students from those republics,
They visited her every Sunday,
Over there were no colleges, no medical schools,
All was destroyed.
They brought food, something from back home, were good, because doctors had no cultures.
One girl had only a lead from a pot, that left from her house, she was taking it everywhere.
After a while, after searches, complains, they had to get out from our city.
It was for ten years...
Another big thing was terrorism,
For Sunday topic.
Young boys going to the war,
My stepbrothers went.
The oldest was attacked, for a week couldn't get out from three stones, with three friends, with who after he started own business.
He said, they are only who he can trust.
Many boys, 18 years old, went from our city.
In I think in five cities someone mixed sugar and detonate, put in the basements of apartment buildings, were explosions and the buildings collapsed.
My aunt was living in the big city,
And every evening she had to go with other people to check if everything was fine.
Explosions on subways, hostages in a theater, students in school.
This kind of news were on TV every day.
But my mom, was teaching in medical college at that time,
Had a couple of students from those republics,
They visited her every Sunday,
Over there were no colleges, no medical schools,
All was destroyed.
They brought food, something from back home, were good, because doctors had no cultures.
One girl had only a lead from a pot, that left from her house, she was taking it everywhere.
After a while, after searches, complains, they had to get out from our city.
It was for ten years...
And in 1990 th we heard two new words: prostitution and mafia.
The symbols of those years.
Men wearing red, purple, gold necklaces, bags, foreign cars...
Women dressed in something unimaginable for the communist culture.
It was so different, different world...
The symbols of those years.
Men wearing red, purple, gold necklaces, bags, foreign cars...
Women dressed in something unimaginable for the communist culture.
It was so different, different world...
With all 90th crisis in the country, economy, my family,
One thing I learned that it didn't change me in negative way,
I don't know, may be because of the people I was around that time, or before.
And I realized I could make people, especially my friends laugh without a reason.
I just thought its better and harder to make someone happy...
I have heard mane times from older people,
That everything good starts with you,
Smile, be happy...
In 1990, when the Soviet Union ended its history, turned into independent could countries,
In our city all the factories, manufacturing companies closed in days,
In weeks everything wad sold, people lost jobs,
Unemployment went up to almost 100%.
My uncles and aunts lost their jobs in days.
Everything was closed, empty supermarkets.
Only government offices, police, schools and hospital were opened..
In our city all the factories, manufacturing companies closed in days,
In weeks everything wad sold, people lost jobs,
Unemployment went up to almost 100%.
My uncles and aunts lost their jobs in days.
Everything was closed, empty supermarkets.
Only government offices, police, schools and hospital were opened..
I always have some kind of passion for being a doctor,
May be in my mind.
When I was small,
I read all the medical books my parents and grandparents had, looked at the pictures.
I don't know what really can surprise me,
May be something very creative.
And I was around old women who knew natural sources and they always tried to "push" old knowledge in me,
May be because they respected my grandmother,
She was the first ever doctor from their village.
Everyone was very nice to me, I never had a little misunderstanding with anyone.
And everyone knew me in our small city,
When my girlfriends were smoking and buying alcohol,
I didn't do any of these, no one would sell me anything,
People knew my parents, doctors, are you crazy,
To sell it to their daughter,
My mom's friends owned those stores,
I was buying bread, milk, always clean.
One time I tried to buy something on the street,
And the guy told me to get out, go read a book.
They would smile looking at me,
So I don't smoke, don't drink, nothing...
May be in my mind.
When I was small,
I read all the medical books my parents and grandparents had, looked at the pictures.
I don't know what really can surprise me,
May be something very creative.
And I was around old women who knew natural sources and they always tried to "push" old knowledge in me,
May be because they respected my grandmother,
She was the first ever doctor from their village.
Everyone was very nice to me, I never had a little misunderstanding with anyone.
And everyone knew me in our small city,
When my girlfriends were smoking and buying alcohol,
I didn't do any of these, no one would sell me anything,
People knew my parents, doctors, are you crazy,
To sell it to their daughter,
My mom's friends owned those stores,
I was buying bread, milk, always clean.
One time I tried to buy something on the street,
And the guy told me to get out, go read a book.
They would smile looking at me,
So I don't smoke, don't drink, nothing...
I was in high school working in my grandmother's hospital.
And one evening I was sitting in her chair,
Wearing her glasses, pretending something.
This man walks in the office, mad and sad,
Talking bad about lines and that no one knows anything.
He looked at me and starting to take his clothes off,
He took of his shirt, sweater,
Then he is asking if he had to off his pants too,
I said: if you want.
He was again, what kind of place is it?
Taking off his pants.
Asking: what else?
I am all blushing: I don't know?
He says: who are you?
I am cleaning here..
He was so mad, then I started to laugh,
He was laughing too, after a while.
My grandmother walked in,
She needed only the x-ray,
It was not very good, but that man thought and I said, if something funny happens
Then everything will be okay.
Still now, sometimes he visits my grandmother.
And one evening I was sitting in her chair,
Wearing her glasses, pretending something.
This man walks in the office, mad and sad,
Talking bad about lines and that no one knows anything.
He looked at me and starting to take his clothes off,
He took of his shirt, sweater,
Then he is asking if he had to off his pants too,
I said: if you want.
He was again, what kind of place is it?
Taking off his pants.
Asking: what else?
I am all blushing: I don't know?
He says: who are you?
I am cleaning here..
He was so mad, then I started to laugh,
He was laughing too, after a while.
My grandmother walked in,
She needed only the x-ray,
It was not very good, but that man thought and I said, if something funny happens
Then everything will be okay.
Still now, sometimes he visits my grandmother.
In 1990 th people talked a lot about mafia,
On the news, school, street.
It was mostly the ugly truth.
Strange boys in their twenties wearing black leather jackets, playing with guns on a destroyed playground near my aunt's house.
Then they would disappeared for a few months, showed up again on a new car,
Then gone again...
On the news, school, street.
It was mostly the ugly truth.
Strange boys in their twenties wearing black leather jackets, playing with guns on a destroyed playground near my aunt's house.
Then they would disappeared for a few months, showed up again on a new car,
Then gone again...
In 1990th my parents didn't get pay for almost a year,
The government had no money to pay, teachers, miners were protesting, not eating, a few schools were closed.
Doctors couldn't protest, working and for one year we lived without money.
My mom used to borrow from her friends who started to sell food on the market and then she had to give back and borrow again.
I went to friends houses and the fridges were empty,
All we had potatoes, milk and what we had in our gardens.
Teachers in schools had no money ether,
We, girls, tried to dress up and we dressed and looked better than our female teachers.
I had seen people giving up,
It was everywhere in the country.
We had no water and light in the evening and night,
Was not safe to walk at dark,
We got a giant 180 lbs dog, who later got so spoiled that only slept on the bed and ate from the table.
I was watching tanks in Moscow, protests in our city.
Young men going to war zones to have money.
My aunts and uncles had no idea what they will do.
My grandmother's hospital had food for patients and nurses and doctors used to eat this food, take home otherwise they couldn't work.
I started to once in a while clean floors for 3 dollars a month,
It was regular salary for the job.
Nurses used to make less than 50 dollars a months,
My mom had less then 100.
Then after a year and a half the government allowed doctors to have private practice and work in the hospital at the same time.
And my father started private practice,
My aunt too, they became good at it.
This optimism inspired my uncles, aunts,
They changed their lives completely,
Went to schools again.
My mom was working non stop in the hospital,
My grandmother pushed for foreign grand.
I started to make my own clothes, going to art school instead of sitting on the streets.
The government had no money to pay, teachers, miners were protesting, not eating, a few schools were closed.
Doctors couldn't protest, working and for one year we lived without money.
My mom used to borrow from her friends who started to sell food on the market and then she had to give back and borrow again.
I went to friends houses and the fridges were empty,
All we had potatoes, milk and what we had in our gardens.
Teachers in schools had no money ether,
We, girls, tried to dress up and we dressed and looked better than our female teachers.
I had seen people giving up,
It was everywhere in the country.
We had no water and light in the evening and night,
Was not safe to walk at dark,
We got a giant 180 lbs dog, who later got so spoiled that only slept on the bed and ate from the table.
I was watching tanks in Moscow, protests in our city.
Young men going to war zones to have money.
My aunts and uncles had no idea what they will do.
My grandmother's hospital had food for patients and nurses and doctors used to eat this food, take home otherwise they couldn't work.
I started to once in a while clean floors for 3 dollars a month,
It was regular salary for the job.
Nurses used to make less than 50 dollars a months,
My mom had less then 100.
Then after a year and a half the government allowed doctors to have private practice and work in the hospital at the same time.
And my father started private practice,
My aunt too, they became good at it.
This optimism inspired my uncles, aunts,
They changed their lives completely,
Went to schools again.
My mom was working non stop in the hospital,
My grandmother pushed for foreign grand.
I started to make my own clothes, going to art school instead of sitting on the streets.
My mom had a friend (moved away somewhere a couple of years ago).
And that woman had a favorite phrase, she would repeat over and over in the dialogue:
That's not your problem.
After talking to her, everything seemed like not a problem at all, at least for me.
She said: we have only one problem,
Its how to entertain ourselves in the best way and be happy!
And that woman had a favorite phrase, she would repeat over and over in the dialogue:
That's not your problem.
After talking to her, everything seemed like not a problem at all, at least for me.
She said: we have only one problem,
Its how to entertain ourselves in the best way and be happy!
Now days, its easy, you can believe in what you want to believe,
Who you want to believe, we have a choice.
Before, especially in some countries,
There were no choice, everything was written in the law.
I have seen people doing crazy things,
Not to impress, just to help.
And after a while it was normal, to talk to the sun, clouds,
People who are not around.
My grandmother says there is another world, we don't see,
At least this what she says and a few times she asked her grandmother, great grandmother,
Great great great grandmother,
To help with some difficult patients.
She said it was the last hope, nothing she could do herself, not anyone in our world,
This how it was, the opposite from very good.
And she did it, a doctor, with diploma, working for more than thirty years at that time.
She went to our old house, the forest, looked at the sky and asked.
And those people are still alive, when was told may be a few months if lucky times.
Of course, you don't think about it all the time,
People say, it's good when you let it go.
Sometimes, in some moments, I see my great grandmother smiling looking at me,
And I know everything will be okay...
Who you want to believe, we have a choice.
Before, especially in some countries,
There were no choice, everything was written in the law.
I have seen people doing crazy things,
Not to impress, just to help.
And after a while it was normal, to talk to the sun, clouds,
People who are not around.
My grandmother says there is another world, we don't see,
At least this what she says and a few times she asked her grandmother, great grandmother,
Great great great grandmother,
To help with some difficult patients.
She said it was the last hope, nothing she could do herself, not anyone in our world,
This how it was, the opposite from very good.
And she did it, a doctor, with diploma, working for more than thirty years at that time.
She went to our old house, the forest, looked at the sky and asked.
And those people are still alive, when was told may be a few months if lucky times.
Of course, you don't think about it all the time,
People say, it's good when you let it go.
Sometimes, in some moments, I see my great grandmother smiling looking at me,
And I know everything will be okay...
My grandmother' aunt was very brave.
She worked hard, went to the Second World War, returned with medals, danced the best, could say what she wanted, didn't care what everyone thinks.
And she would always say, even I remember:
God loves me!
My grandmother heard from her grandmother,
and so on,
That Angels look like tiny golden bells with wings,
They like the sun, light,
Look at the sun, and smile...
It was 1943, another grandmother's story,
She was sleeping at night and woke up,
It was like a dream, our solders hiding in the snow,
Her brother too,
Trying to cross the winter road.
On other side hiding an enemy sniper,
He sees them, but they couldn't see him.
She knew he will do what the snipers do,
And she whispers: "no".
The machine gun stopped working,
The sniper is mad kicked it in the snow,
Hiding now.
May be it was just a dream.
and so on,
That Angels look like tiny golden bells with wings,
They like the sun, light,
Look at the sun, and smile...
It was 1943, another grandmother's story,
She was sleeping at night and woke up,
It was like a dream, our solders hiding in the snow,
Her brother too,
Trying to cross the winter road.
On other side hiding an enemy sniper,
He sees them, but they couldn't see him.
She knew he will do what the snipers do,
And she whispers: "no".
The machine gun stopped working,
The sniper is mad kicked it in the snow,
Hiding now.
May be it was just a dream.
This woman, the natural healer,
I think she had only one question,
When people asked to help someone.
She asked if the person is still alive,
The rest she didn't care, she knew she will help.
Because, I heard, if there's life there's always hope...
I think she had only one question,
When people asked to help someone.
She asked if the person is still alive,
The rest she didn't care, she knew she will help.
Because, I heard, if there's life there's always hope...
