writing...

People say:
Everything happens, happens for the best.
Sometimes you don't see it, because
It is just the beginning.
Enjoy life more, keep living,
And at the middle you think again,
What have you learned,
What made you strong,
What changed you into who you really are.
It will be worth beginning.
Doesn't matter were you right or wrong,

This is world, not lovely poem, made up to please few people.
Who can ever do the greatest things easy?
Life when you know what's right, what's wrong,
Learn the most important lesson to move on,
Stepping hard the place you true belong,
Following the dreams just really want,
Loving the big road you are now on...

I never thought much about life at all.

Until I got my first paid job,
Cleaning rooms and floors at my grandmother's hospital.
I studied in school, had own things to go,
Didn't care a bit about sick people.
Then I saw life, the life beyond.
Many times I heard from my grandmother:
You will be fine, nothing to worry about.
I told her: how do you know, you are just lying.
My grandmother looked at me:
Look at you, telling me I am lying.
May be you can predict the future?
Let's bet, if they recover, I will give you my one year salary,
Of course I say what I want.
If not, the garden, for entire simmer is yours.
It was mine...
And every day, everyone in the hospital was so exited about every test,
So many people walking or riding around:)
I could not stop cleaning the shit...
Every patient was happy, no problems at all,
Like it was a little slip on the floor.
Visitors were staring at me: oh, everyone is a doctor.
We all had to wear white uniforms,
I looked like a doctor or nurse.
I had to smile, pretend nothing to worry about,
Gave my prognoses, I learned from the books.
Then I just thought, may be really,
Those people this all want to hear.
And somehow, the one we talked with my grandmother,
Got out, fully recovered, never been better ever since,
They are still our friends.

This man was sitting in front of my great gr
His wife, wiping eyes.
I didn't hear the dialogue, only few words:
Old woman from village… and is that all?
Next few days great grandma was only praying and crying.
Than big dinner, few words: he will be fine,
God cannot stand my tears.
After a while that man was back, messed my hair near the door:
Be proud baby.

I used to go to our forest with my great grandmother, not very far, little bit. She wanted to show me how not to get lost in the forest, and how to find the right grass or berries for the tea she was making once in a while. Every time we went, we had some cheap jewellery, mostly made from buttons or shells. She would greed the forest first and leave our gift under the tree. I think all the old ladies did the same. They said this how you cannot get lost in the forest.

My grandmother's aunts and cousins

Were nurses in very difficult time.
Women from old village,
Mothers, sisters and wives
Went against military machines.
They didn't have to, didn't have much medical education
In 1941 June 22 it was two weeks training to become our army nurse.
Many women, mostly young, never came back.
They still went,  because sometimes when wind blows to your face, you don't turn back,
You stay strong,
Stand for what you believe,
And then let see, who will win, you or the wind.
My grandmother's aunts and cousins won.
Years after soldiers, old men then, remembered their names.
People who truly believe always win.

My grandmother had aunt, mother of 4.
She went to the war in 1941;
Nurse, was the first one who left home.
Tall, big a bit, Slavic beauty, I saw one picture.
She left, got ready in twenty minutes, kissed every one and never came back.
It was hard time, was not about winning, only to stop the occupation a bit.
For country to get ready, to prepare another people, men and women.
Her children grew up, now almost in their 80.
And they talk about her as she is a young woman, calling her “mama” like she is around. 
All their life they have her in their mind, what she would do, what she did in peaceful life, even hard to believe. 
They love her, waited for her until almost twenty,
Then knew she would never come home…
Now I think, would do anything to have her around just for one day,
May be give all they have for this day...
They were children when she left, now they are almost 80.

When the natural healer touches hands, he gives his energy. And they have a lot of energy, not just energy, positive energy. May be this why we have to stay and be near positive people to feel good. They mostly smile, kind, say: we can do it together. Optimistic, just good people...

At Grade 12 I was working part time cleaning my grandmother's hospital. First time I wore some old ugly clothes, and everyone was kind of looking at me on my way to the office. Then my grandmother called me and said: what are you wearing? She called another doctor, a young single university graduate: would you feel better looking at her? He said "no".

I was wearing high hills, dressed like a nurse, they didn't wear much underneath, was too hot, had my hair done twice a week. It was all the time I was cleaning hospital floors, throwing garbage, wiping office furniture..

I grow up on the street, but the dirt did not stick to me.

It did not make me be mad at life, at people,
It did not make me bad, not love and believe.

1990, the end of the Soviet Union era,
The end of my parents marriage.
All they were been doing is fighting about everything
Like they never loved each other,
Like me and my sister were not around.
They forgot everything.
One time my mother broke all the dishes in the house,
The floor was white.
Then she wanted to drink,
I returned from school again and again,
She was drunk, could not even speak.
Then I broke everything else, the furniture, the windows,
I took a hammer, my mom got scared, and never drink ever since.
Then my father's second wife would not leave me alone,
Begging for forgiveness on her knees for stealing my papa all over the city.
My mom got a boyfriend, needed the house.
My sister had to live with my grandmother for a year.
I was left alone on the street.

I found the true freedom, the freedom of mind.
I was shy, but I could lead.
I have met old Russian women who could heal anything just with a touch of the hand,
Just with the hug.
I met a man who could talk to the sky, wind the trees.
And everyone was very kind to me.
I went to school, our teacher was a Church painter
And at fourteen I believed in God on my own...

My mom was a doctor for 30 years and people still ask her what to do, even she is retired, because she can tell exactly what to do. And there is only her way, no option. If she thinks something is good for you, she will not leave you alone until you just do what she wants, because she will not stop (me). Before I didn't understand her, she controlled me so much at certain times, that all I wanted to get out and live by myself. At times, I did only what I wanted, then were times when my mom, grandmother, aunts and their friends were watching me all the time. I couldn't go anywhere without someone telling my relatives. Especially if I went to see my father, it was always a huge scandal after. 

In Canada I think I have become independent in some way mostly because my mom. She would tell me something, give me advise that I would see a clear picture of what to do, I would just think without any emotions. I just know I have my mom, my father, my family and I feel good already. May be something in the word "mama"…

My father is a doctor too, he is still working in the hospital and he wrote a book.

Every time I used to call my father, I would say: "Hi, How are you?..." Or if he would see my unhappy face. He would always say right away: “Okay, okay, how much?" He knew probably most of the time I called to ask for money. He is very nice man, doesn't bother you at all, whatever you do, its fine, the way its supposed to be, will be great anyway and do what you want forever. He is very easy. One time we had to meet for dinner and I forgot, after two hours I remembered and went to this place, and my father was still waiting for me. I call him, he calls me, most of the time he has good news, and whatever I do, he is on my side.

My grandmother used to have parties for all her friends almost every week. It was a tradition in her family when the close friends got together on Saturday to have dinner or go to the wooden sauna. I was many times in this sauna (its almost +39, very hot, closed doors, cold and hot water, special massage, natural oils and you have to stay at leas for an hour).

And after every dinner someone would sing songs, dance and go for a walk. I would stay and eat what was left and drink little bit of wine. I was may seven or eight years old. When I was older, I was allowed to stay, only no talking. I would dress in my grandmother's old clothes, one time I wore a brown skirt on my head like I had long hair (I had short hair cut then) and after I was allowed to grow my hair, because my grandmother was very embarrassed that everyone thought she and my mom didn't want to let me to have long hair. I look like my grandmother, her side of the family, not like my parents at all. May be because she raised me, has done a lot for me.

I heard from a special person on special time
Something you will believe or may be just try.
Turn to the sun and close your eyes.
Look very deep inside, the deepest you can.

Ask what you deserve the most, ask well.
And trough the darkness try find brightest light.
The light will shine from inside.
In shape of a bell with open wings.
People say it is your Guardian Angel.