He inspired me, made me strong,
Let see the world I could only dream...
Not in rhyme a bit, sorry.
Or I start from the beginning,
With people I love in mind,
And apology for my English.
Its a story that started from love.
My first poems were about love.
I was young, naive, didn't have a boyfriend, just graduated from law college.
And I was writing poems about love.
My aunt liked it a lot and said:
Publish it.
I was shy thinking who can I go and ask someone.
I went to this place called "New book".
Office in historical building, old with new shinig door.
Three men were sitting in one room, on the long desk...
And I am here, in this office
Reading my first love poems
For my may be first poetry book.
Its serious love stories,
I am reading good too.
Two printed copies, one for me,
One for these three men,
Dressed in expensive suits, ties, probably driving nice cars with girls.
This how they looked at me first,
I was in red short dress.
Then they starting to laugh, more and more.
Reading a bit.
One says:
I don't think the chicken is cooked.
What is this movies, TV, baby,
One woman, one man?
After laughing, flipping pages, making jokes.
My face is matching my dress.
They tell me to go, rewrite and put more drama between soup and movies.
I had a point at least.
Right near the building,May be in few seconds
Someone calls my name.
I turned back, it was one of the publishers, the youngest one.
He looks at me, thinking what to say and asks:
What do you want?
I am asking back:
Ha, ha, for what?
He wants to read all my poems:
What about your university?
We stopped reading there.
Do you dress in ripped working clothes so your professor will be sorry for you, bribe teachers?
I say, its law university, its hard.
And another girl pretends pregnant for two straight years, another beats her face herself?
Who are you going to be again?
Detectives? Nice.
I was thinking of becoming a doctor, but my great grandmother said its not great idea.
Take it, read it if you like...
Then this publisher tells me
He was thinking not to live any more from today's night.
I am staring at him telling that he might...
He looks at me with a surprise:
Yes, that was the point.
My father is a psychiatrist,
I know everything from A to B, convincing in five minutes how great life is.
He gives me his business card, with a bear and a book on it.
And I was calling everyday, we talked about poetry, he was fixing my love poems, not like a friend, like some one I knew, formal.
The poetry didn't work out.
On Friday, fifth day he wasn't feeling better.
I called again until phone said to me: no one home would you stop calling.
Saturday morning I was depressed myself.
I was living with my mom,
She heard the story:
No problem, we will fix his problems, give me the card.
Calls him, starts a fight, a doctor too, believes only xrays.
At the end she almost throws the phone on the floor:
Be home for a while, since nothing else helps I will do it myself.
Few days after he shows up at my work:
Do you like Canada?
…Then he said,
He was just leaving.
May be I should be forgiving.
May be he is a bad father,
May be I should talk my mother…
I smiled:
I have my son,
I have my King.
Two years no money,
Of course, money is not everything.
I smiled:
I have my son,
I have my King.
People asked me,
Why I always wear same clothes,
Why I sold my mother’s ring?
I smiled:
I have my son,
I have my King.
One time when I was standing near the last fire line,
God wiped my tears softly and smiled:
You have your son,
You have your King!
... Warm hand is touching my right shoulder,
Right cheek, my head:
Its a blessing, it will go for generations,
For every one who will touch your hand, who will go after,
Nothing can go against it.
Its my birthday, old woman is blessing me,
And its my grandmother's idea.
She said, people who that women blessed returned from the war.
And its last peace of forgotten old life.
Soon I will grow up, move on with my teenage life.
That day we went outside,
I see hearts on the sky,
The old woman is happy.
She gave me blue summer flowers, hugged me.
That night, I was in the car, driving home,
On the empty dark road.
Wiping tears.
Don’t remember how I put music on.
Man was bravely singing about winning Second World War.
Then,
Yellow light went to my face.
Everything was very fast.
I read in a second the sign and name
Above the light that brighten my face.
It was Jewish Synagogue.
And I heard strong loud voice:
Don’t leave your child without the mother!
I knew God was talking to me.
Next day, it was Monday,
I sold my four gold rings I brought from back home,
In a mall’s small pond shop.
For ninety seven dollars.
It was enough to buy food and made for almost two weeks.
After the pond shop me and my son stopped in a mall’s book store.
He saw a colorful toy...
The first book was on a stand in front of the store was called
“Greatest battles of the Second World War”.
I opened automatically,
It was page about Russia,
Country I am from.
Russian women looked at me from the old pictures.
Stories about women during that war:
Women soldiers, nurses, mothers.
Young girl is holding two children, a boy and a girl.
All dressed in big winter clothes
And it is spring or summer.
Her face, eyes, she are confused and scared.
Everything is destroyed around:
Houses, streets are pieces of bricks and wood after bombing.
Standing quietly.
Three women are pulling metal on their backs.
Digging grey, dried farm land.
Girls, probably their daughters, are trying to catch up,
Throwing seeds from small newspaper bags.
Old grandmother near is saying something…
Woman, the army nurse,
I see bag with red cross,
All frozen, snow on the eye lashes,
Skiing with a group of soldiers trough deep shining winter snow…
Like telling me trough years:
You know, we made it through the war…
We won!
You are our granddaughter!
They smiled, deeply looking into my eyes.
Look, we are standing strong,
All good we have, we are believing in it.
And you?!
Walk on streets,
Breath air of freedom,
Breath air of freedom,
Enjoy peace we didn't,
Be happy, just because you live without war!
And I thought first time in a long while
about who I was.
I thought about my friend God.
My old house in a small village near river,
Great grand mother smiling to me,
Brushing my hair near the window.
Grandmother' s yellow car, my first ride.
I thought about all people I have seen.
A man dancing : one more year, one more year.
Spinning me, messing my hair:
Be proud baby!
Women bringing bags with anything:
How can we thank...
I thought about warm wind, clouds,
Hearts on the sky,
Women who could help in anything
And words I heard every day:
Everything will be great!
... Warm hand is touching my right shoulder,
Right cheek, my head:
Its a blessing, it will go for generations,
For every one who will touch your hand, who will go after,
Nothing can go against it.
Its my birthday, old woman is blessing me,
And its my grandmother's idea.
She said, people who that women blessed returned from the war.
And its last peace of forgotten old life.
Soon I will grow up, move on with my teenage life.
That day we went outside,
I see hearts on the sky,
The old woman is happy.
She gave me blue summer flowers, hugged me.
I was seven years old
On New Year Eve,
Soviet Union biggest holidays.
Big for me too, because I was spending it first time
together with my parents
Until that I was living with my grandparents and old great grand mother my grandmother's mother.
I found a fancy paint box set under my pillow, never seen before,
Probably from my parents.
And I started to say "Thank you God", again and again.
I looked at the night sky and smiled...
This how we became friends.
Since that night, once in a while at night
I would send air kiss to the sky and say "Thank you"
Like I did when I was seven years old.
I knew God from now on is my friend.
What I didn't know that our country would end it's history,
Would no more Soviet Union, stability.
Our city economy, manufacturer would be gone.
My parents would divorce at the same time.
And only new art school would keep me out of our dirty, sad streets and show colors of life.
My parents, both, were first year medical university students,
High school graduates, only now away from parents.
My mom got pregnant.
Study, get diploma!
All she was told and from two weeks old I started to live with my grandparents and great grand mother.
My grandparents, doctors, were working and great grandmother was watching me.
First, the biggest memory about my great grandma
Was the time when we were walking trough rye land, Yellow shiny and endless near our village.
Was the time when we were walking trough rye land, Yellow shiny and endless near our village.
Beautiful summer day,
Great grand mother Sasha is holding my hand.
Bright blue sky, without a cloud,
I am talking about something.
Then she stops, put her hands on my shoulders,
Hugs me a bit:
Look, look, God wants to say "hi".
And I see a cloud above like letter "X".
Then I can see first letter of my name, made from a cloud too, a bit more blue...
I have seen old women praying.
Warm house with traditional fire place,
Icons in right corner.
They were not talking, only singing a song and nodding heads.
I was together with few children, loud.
Shh, shh... - some one said,
They are talking to God.
After we ate home made bread and
The old women, looked at us, talked about us,
Our parents, grandparents,
Who looked like who,
Hugged, kissed in cheeks, blessed...
Great grandmother's stories...
Great grandmother's stories...
I was may be a bit older than you,
Didn't go to schools, have to watch my sisters and brothers.
Great grand mother's quiet voice..
I was small and my little brother was with me that day like a tale.
Don't know how he ran away, may be he was playing, I don't know.
I couldn't find him anywhere and was very scared.
It was winter, cold,
No one knew where he was in our village.
My parents would be back home soon and
I though my brother went to the forest.
Not far from our house, remember?
I wanted to find him so much, wasn't even angry
And got lost in white snow trees.
Everything seemed the same, snow covered my steps.
I was sitting in a pile of snow and crying.
Looked up and saw a queen.
The woman, all in white beautiful clothes.
I asked her:
Are you our queen?
She laughed:
No! I am your Guardian Angel,
Go home, your brother is sleeping already...
People asked her why you always
Soft and calm,
Why you don't get mad at all.
She would turn to you,
Looking somewhere deep.
And she would say.
It's simple, I know price of live.
I seen how old women touched hands,
They were natural healers.
Could heal anything with a touch of a hand,
Slap really hard, felt the heat, look in the eyes and see.
They could bless, change and ask,
Knew all traditional stuff, every tree, grass, flower.
And never had a doubt in ability to heal.
In other things yes, like normal people, but not at that.
I seen, every has to go by the clock, special, then people feel good.
This and that, many colors, many people.
What colors do you have,
Yellow like first spring flowers,
Green like trees, blue like the sky..
Bright and promesing, because everything is going to be great for all of us.
You know what natural healers used to say
When they met a person:
I will help you.
I don't know if now natural healers any, long ago I met a few.
They used to do what they wanted, let everyone to do the same,
It's going to be fine, I have heard since day one..
People asked her why you always
Soft and calm,
Why you don't get mad at all.
She would turn to you,
Looking somewhere deep.
And she would say.
It's simple, I know price of live.
I seen how old women touched hands,
They were natural healers.
Could heal anything with a touch of a hand,
Slap really hard, felt the heat, look in the eyes and see.
They could bless, change and ask,
Knew all traditional stuff, every tree, grass, flower.
And never had a doubt in ability to heal.
In other things yes, like normal people, but not at that.
I seen, every has to go by the clock, special, then people feel good.
This and that, many colors, many people.
What colors do you have,
Yellow like first spring flowers,
Green like trees, blue like the sky..
Bright and promesing, because everything is going to be great for all of us.
You know what natural healers used to say
When they met a person:
I will help you.
I don't know if now natural healers any, long ago I met a few.
They used to do what they wanted, let everyone to do the same,
It's going to be fine, I have heard since day one..
Old women in our old house, in our old village.
With stories and pictures.
The happiest day is May 9,
Day of victory in Second World War.
Only this day they are all dressed up,
Blouses with meals, all were nurses.
I see pictures of young girls.
That's me, - some one says.
My great grandmother wears her best clothes.
Dinner together, so bright, songs I don't know.
For them it's very important. ..
Same stories.
That's their time, biggest victory.
First my grandmother talks,
She is a doctor and a beautiful woman,
People always ask her for the first tost:
People always ask her for the first tost:
June 22, 1941.
Beautiful day, after my birthday.
War, war, war!
I am turning the radio:
All men from eighteen to fifty five years old,
All women doctors and nurses must get ready immediately!
Four o'clock afternoon, nothing will be the same any more.
Women outside is crying:
Oh my God, oh my God,
Sons, sons, why do you have to go...
No, no, no...
What's going to be...
Old women crossing,
Children holding mothers.
Men get ready without a word:
We will be back,
I hear in every where.
Next day the radio working non stop.
My uncles left already...
And it was my brother's turn.
He was still at school, not eighteen,
How things were bad, he had to go.
Before the war, I thought my parents don't like me at all.
It was all about him,
May be I was a girl, would get married and leave.
The war started.
My uncles left, aunts.
Less than a months letters,
We will never see them again.
In our village only women and children.
He is hugging me on a train station:
I will be back.
Always empty station crowded with people and trains, evacuation.
And I know, I want him back.
Who do you think won?
The war or young beautiful girl.
I could see places I have never been,
I could see faces, I could feel.
I was with him trough the war until he got back home...
And Victory day,
Remember?
Music every where.
The biggest though I think we had,
Our men will be back.
We will rebuild our cities, rebuild our land.
Started all over, start again.
A nurse and a soldier,
Destroyed burning building, what's left.
Can we make it?
The nurse asks.
If I was with someone else
I don't know.
When I am with you,
I know I can and so can you, -
The soldier smiling.
They are both not much over twenty years old.
Don't go close to the window.
Why you are here? Young girl like you.
War is not for women.
Men..
Just one?
No, men..
You went under fire because of men?
He is laughing.
But you have a medal.
I am brave. I said I am going for my country.
Men must like you a lot.
They do.
What are you going to do after the war?
Will be a doctor?
You mother is waiting for you at home.
Yes. What about you?
I don't have home.
I am from old village, we have beautiful places, river, forest.
I have my own tree, birds made nest on it.
My aunt said, it's for good luck.
See, this cross my grandmother took from her neck and wore on me.
Please, visit us.
I will. Now, you have to go.
Take off uniform, give me your medal.
You only a girl.
What about you?
We will not get out together, I am a soldier.
I am not leaving you..
They got married after the war...
Once a year in May this old man was always sitting on the couch
In our house in now almost forgotten village.
He was an old friend of one of grand great aunts,
Looks like a cat who was sleeping in butter, all shining.
Looks like a cat who was sleeping in butter, all shining.
Sometimes with garmonica, playing same song.
He used tell about old too great grand aunt: do you know why I love her,
Because when everything was blowing up, we didn't know was day or night,
She was saying happily that we will win this fight...
My grandmother made a towel for her brother in 1941,
Almost all men were leaving homes to join the army.
She said: Bring it back.
He said: I will.
And he brought back in 1945.
That all story.
My own stories:
It was first music video my mother got from a friend.
Girls band singing, dancing.
I didn't understand a word,
I thought may be they were singing:
Life is what you dream,
Not what you see.
Lines in unemployment office,
No more Soviet Union,
We had no idea what to do.
Parents busy, no where to go after school.
We are somewhere in old empty building,
School bags on the floor.
Cheap vodka, cigarettes, sprays.
Fifteen years old asking me to drink
And see real things.
I tried only one time,
Because that everything
The girls band were singing on our dirty street
They were singing only for me:
Life is what you dream,
Not what you see.
Life is what you dream…
We had a lot of blue flowers near our house.
Once in a while we would lie down,
Looking at the blue sky and then may be my grandmother would say...
... Open your hands like bird open wings,
Close your eyes and relax...
Breath the fresh air, feel it...
One time ago we went to see friend
Who was living in the forest,
He was making herbal drinks,
Very good I heard.
When he looked at me, he said:
She has different eyes,
Let her stay with me,
I teach her.
I was only fifteen,
why would I stay with old man.
And I didn't understand him.
Years after,
My son looked at me and said:
Mama your eyes look like green and blue.
It was Tiger New Year Eve.
It was Tiger New Year Eve.
I supposed to go to Moscow on private party.
It was Tiger Year coming,
New Year Eve.
I supposed to go to Moscow on a private party.
Made almost see trough dress with only one button.
Beautiful, I made it myself.
A phone call from my grandmother,
Asking if I want to spend first day of the new year with her.
She had to go see friends, but they changed plans.
I called my sister, my mom,
No one answered the phone.
I am celebrating New Tiger Year with my grandma and her dog.
Lots of food, champagne, taking pictures with the dog,
Listening lessons how to live life right,
It was one of the craziest nights.
Very next Tiger year my son was born.
He is a Leo (Lion) too,
One week over due just enough to fit in astrological sign,
In the hospital only Russian nurses.
We are talking about miracles,
How we all met, they weren’t on schedule,
Some fast change.
Two best doctors.
I had a lot of food, nurses watching the baby,
Teaching me.
It was wonderful time.
One time in rainy cold day
One time in rainy cold day
I was going home from work.
A dirty gypsy little boy smiled to me and
Asked if I can give him a toy.
He said that he seen many beautiful women
But no one like me.
He brighten my world with his smile
And I gave him all money I had.
His mother, a gypsy told me:
One time...
My poems..
Millenniums, for centuries, for years,
World spin in endless journey,
]Love, friendship, wars, forgotten peace,
As poets, we capture moments.
Looking at his face and thinking about him.
Between us, pretty face you know,
Nature unique fascinating wild charm...
One day we will meet.
I will wear my best dress,
Before that I have to go gym for a while to fit in it.
I will do my hair nice, put few high lights, a bit of make up, I don't put much.
I like make up, face creams a lot, look at it, try, touch.
New parfum, shiny red lipstick, matching nail polish and black mascara and I am ready.
I will stop and wait.
Say: Hi, Oh my God!
Shake hand, give a hug.
Ask formal how are you?
Then ask my own: smile, everything is good?
Tell you look very good!
Touch, say wow, oh my God again .
Normal date, right.
I know few stories, few jokes, will try make you to laugh all the time.
May we have like in movies a cake.
Talk about something,
What gift would you like?
How do you know when you are in love.
My poems..
Millenniums, for centuries, for years,
World spin in endless journey,
]Love, friendship, wars, forgotten peace,
As poets, we capture moments.
When you dream and want,
Wish, believe and see.
And for dreamers always
Magic world to be.
One of the most important things we have
In introduction I will say,
My best poems I made up
One thousand dreams,
One thousand thoughts.
One thousand "yes",
One thousand "not".
Summer sunshine today is my friend
Whispering quietly :
Go, go!
Don't be afraid.
Different road, nothing the same.
My thousand lights will brighten your day.
One of the most important things we have
Is our open wings.
How many times we touch the ground,
The wings will bring us up.
Our dreams, love, desire, believe, passion,
People who truly care and never let us go down.
They are our open wings
After many times, after many days,
After perfect and not so perfect ways.
I believe in love,
I believe myself.
I believe that everyday is a perfect day.
Never give up hope,
Never run away.
Make your everyday be a perfect day.
When you think you have done enough
Ask your life:
Have I done enough?
And life will laugh:
Smile my baby!
See how beautiful I am,
I dressed up for you.
Look at my hair, the sun shining trough,
Touch...
I washed it in warm morning rain.
Look at my eyes, blue.
Do you see the sky?
Look at my lips, let me give you a kiss.
It's strawberry.
You like my dress, green, color of all trees.
Whisper your wish
To the bark of the tree.
The wish will come true just for you.
Do you know how much I love you...
Ask your life:
Have I done enough?
And life will laugh:
Smile my baby!
See how beautiful I am,
I dressed up for you.
Look at my hair, the sun shining trough,
Touch...
I washed it in warm morning rain.
Look at my eyes, blue.
Do you see the sky?
Look at my lips, let me give you a kiss.
It's strawberry.
You like my dress, green, color of all trees.
Whisper your wish
To the bark of the tree.
The wish will come true just for you.
Do you know how much I love you...
When you say you are in love,
Still everything is falling apart,
Something bothers from inside
And you have no idea why.
Because this is not love.
Love is a beautiful feeling.
It's written on your face
And sparkling in your eyes.
This what love is,
The feeling you can see and touch.
Close your eyes,
What do you see?
Smile!
Do you see flower garden,
Apple trees?
Do you feel wind blows on the grass?
Look deeper,
Give me your hand.
Do you see blue sky, sun?
Remember,
Love is a beautiful feeling.
Once upon time,
Once upon time,
Once upon dream
On the empty road,
Walking trough storm,
Rain, cold wind.
They had no idea what to do next.
Not until heard word "Go".
In introduction I will say,
Looking at his face and thinking about him.
Between us, pretty face you know,
Nature unique fascinating wild charm...
One day we will meet.
I will wear my best dress,
Before that I have to go gym for a while to fit in it.
I will do my hair nice, put few high lights, a bit of make up, I don't put much.
I like make up, face creams a lot, look at it, try, touch.
New parfum, shiny red lipstick, matching nail polish and black mascara and I am ready.
I will stop and wait.
Say: Hi, Oh my God!
Shake hand, give a hug.
Ask formal how are you?
Then ask my own: smile, everything is good?
Tell you look very good!
Touch, say wow, oh my God again .
Normal date, right.
I know few stories, few jokes, will try make you to laugh all the time.
May we have like in movies a cake.
Talk about something,
What gift would you like?
How do you know when you are in love.
How do you know?
Looking at her or him makes you smile,
I am not going be specific, just talking.
Thinking makes you happy all day,
It's twenty four hours by the way.
And you have this look on your face
When people ask to begin with something
What happened,
Are you in love!
When you say without a doubt: yes...
Songs playing on the radio all day and night,
I like the way you look,
I like the way you smile,
I like the way you touch me.
I never want to say bye.
You are my baby.
We pretend we don't know each other,
We pretend we don't care,
But inside we are broken.
I will tell you what I want.
From now and forever:
Don't invite me baby
I will show up myself.
Songs playing on the radio all day and night,
Singers, writers getting word awards.
I here, once again in a small cafe right on the beach of Caribbean Sea.
Writing for a while, a long while.
Hotel band is playing reggae, boy who cleans tables is reading my notes and laughing.
Three words on my page.
"I love you".
Nice note book do.
Will I get any award for it?
Oscar, Grammy?
I know I didn't make up these words,
I was the first who said it,
That's all my poem, only three words.
Close to midnight, small café on the beach,
Caribbean Sea, Atlantic Ocean on one side, Pacific Ocean,
Thunder lights, loud music playing.
And all she see and hear is him.
She got stuck in the dark in Jamaican mountain,
Tourist bus driving on the edge of hills,
Begging boys at Bob Marley home village got all her money,
Strange man sold weed instead of cookies.
Now she knows what it is.
She doesn't care, really,
All she see and hear is him.
No Internet, no phone number,
She is going to eat this huge bun with butter, dinner, lunch, stay all day under the hot sun,
All she see and hear is him.
Inner voice is sleeping:
Leave her alone please,
All she thinks about, see and hear is him...
In the loud playing of the music, dance,
You are the best, you are the best.
I hear every word, I feel every move,
Don't stop here. I wish looking forever.
Grant me my wish.
I wish you to be happy.
I said you are very talented.
Remember my words....
