1.
1. The Ketchup Story.
My friend has a
daughter just turned sixteen.
On every girl's
birthday I get s gift of my dream.
The story goes back
sixteen years ago,
We were naive, didn't
much know.
And this my friend
meet a man of her dream.
Everything was
perfect until he said
She has to be first
for him, and he as well.
It was a problem, but
I always believe if we have a chance, we go for it.
The ketchup was my
idea.
I wrote a few lines,
She mixed with the
wine.
It was a perfect love
story,
A piece of art.
Two liters bottle was
gone,
The ketchup was
everywhere,
On his head, on the
lamps, on the floor.
(He believed).
And nine months after
the little girl was born.
Now she is sixteen.
Who can say the
tomato ketchup is not a beautiful thing.
2.
2. My I sister asks me every day
What's "the news
of the day".
Today "
new" -
I forgot to wear a
skirt to work.
Everyone was like
"wow"
What is it,
A new style?
Got lots of
compliments too.
3.
3. The Farm Story.
My mom called me last night:
Can you invest little
more money in my farm...
What about the money
I sent already?
She was like, we have
a little problem on the farm over here.
My mom and her friend
had a thought,
I think in a crazy
dream at night,
The free
"retired doctor" life is not the same without big fight.
The farm was the
brilliant idea.
They got chickens,
ducks, goats, few pigs and a cow.
So they can make lots
of money.
To make money
farming, it sad to say,
But you have to
"finish the farming" on not very good day.
Everyone was happy
until the time to say the animals good bye.
My brother- in- law
refused right away,
In no life he will
run after the pig with a knife.
My mother's friend,
already " an idiot son- in- law" now was the last hope, the
"main killer" they all believed in.
It was one big dream.
Well, he had a heart
attack trying to kill the pig.
One month in the
hospital, two at home,
Diapers require,
dinner in bed.
He might not be the
same after all.
All with him now is
mad mama - in- law,
Very much everyday.
But the pig is okay.
Everyone worries
about that pig first for some way.
4.
4
. My First Job.
Once upon a time,
Lets say that way,
I wanted to be a cop,
And I went good way.
College, university,
Papa with few friends.
I got my uniform.
Tight blue pants, bright lip gloss,
No top button on my shirt.
Lots of make up.
I went for a ride to
show off my friends.
Someone screamed at the same second,
"Police, police, we need help!"
The girls were fighting.
I had never seen anything like that.
Those bitches (sorry, no other word)
Were so exited,
Knifes, bracelets made from blades, blood everywhere,
I asked myself,
What a f... I was doing right here?
Wasn't it a party,
with a cake, not glass everywhere.
The girls were pushing me, telling to get a f... out.
(Probably knew my thoughts).
If I had a gun, they would take it.
Likely you have to work for a months or few to get it.
Well, I completely freaked out.
Instead of calling for help,
I called my mama...
The next was not very funny.
My mother showed up,
Aunts (three),
Eighty years old grandma and
Of course my daddy with few his friends.
Someone recognized the girls,
So they called their parents.
The Police General had no luck at all.
He had to explain for a year what happened that day.
He called me in the office,
The very next day, smile of course,
Irina, may be there is something else
You want to do?
Which I already knew, police was not my dream.
That day had changed everything.
5.
5. Long time ago,
Every summer,
I was spending with
my great grand mama.
Old Russian village,
far away.
She would wake up me
at 4 every single day,
Saturday, Sunday,
She didn't care:
Why? You are not old,
you don't work.
Wake up! Go drink
tea, watch TV, go out.
Another old lady was
knocking the door:
Is she still in the
bed?
You gonna spoil her.
Through the years,
trough the time,
I hear great
grandma's voice, see her smile:
Everything will be
fine,
Everything will be fine.
Ever since,
I wake up at 4 and I
do what I want.
6.
6. “Crazy” story.
It was one of those days
When I shouldn't talk
at all, not a word.
But, I think when
you're young, you wouldn't shut up,
And when you are old,
you want everyone to leave your alone.
I was very young then
and started the dialog.
This man, drove a
submarine all over the sea,
Was in marine army,
now the roads feels bumpy.
I was willing to
help, it was a long day.
The next day the
story was over for me.
Not really for him,
calling me again and again.
Every 5 minutes for
one week.
I think after a
while, I only wished I would never see him again in my life.
The next day a call
again,
From a local
psychiatrist,
Asking why I was
disturbing his patients?
What the doctor
shared was that my "new friend" had schizophrenia,
Successfully realized
from mental place day before my help reached.
I knew I shouldn't
talk,
I think I forgot to
read my horoscope.
Now he was back
completely insane and all he could say was my first and last name.
7.
7. We are going to the bachelor party,
And I am giving up
styling my hair,
Because I always look
like a hooker or a cleaning lady.
Now my girlfriend is
in my house almost without the hair.
When I looked at her
first,
I only could ask:
What happened?
She mixed the bleach
with the color,
And waited for 50
minutes.
I hope it wouldn't
affect the marriage...
The bride got drunk
before everyone else,
Now under the table.
More liqueur and
strippers than guests,
I guess its time to
say: "Good luck, I wish the best!"
8.
8. “Dating story”
Today my friend Kery
Begged me to go on a
date with her and her new boyfriend.
May be I could see
what she doesn't want to see.
May be I could talk.
Fine, but I should
have brought a huge bottle of wine.
The
"boyfriend" was okay except he was touching himself in weird way,
Almost all the time.
Still I decided to
stay, wait for another surprise.
The surprise didn't
wait for too long.
First was his life
story,
What his parents did
wrong
When he was 1, 2, 3,
4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12,
Thirteen year was
nice (one more surprise),
was horrible 14, 15,
16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23,
24, 25, 26, 27, 28,
29, 30, 31, 32, 34,
Thirty five was fine
(slept with a woman for the first time),
36, 37 were bad, then
now (finally) 38.
Sorry, but this how
the date went.
Glad he didn't start
from one month,
I don't think the
wine I didn't buy would last.
Then he talked about
his boss,
Who asked to work at
work
(Crazy boss).
Then was the fiancé
of one day,
Who didn't call back
and left from the window door (was the first floor).
The gold fish did not
want to eat,
A dog barked
somewhere...
I ended the date
right there:
Kery, wake up (she
was sleeping in the salad)
End his misery right
now,
Where is the fork?
9. 9. My Almost First Book.
One time I watched
The longest ever
movie
With my excited 3
aunts.
And I made my own
stories
About the true love.
He loves her, she
loves him,
Everything is
perfect.
What are we going to
do?
Watch TV or go to
sleep.
My aunts loved the
poems so much,
Encourage strongly I
should write a book.
I though, yes, it
might be cool.
These publishers read
my texts.
Laugh a bit.
What is this?
There is no money in
here,
Who wants to read
about love
Without drama
anywhere near.
You have a point, put
more in to it,
Rewrite and leave us
a copy.
We see if we can
something to change.
I knew there is no
way
I will see that book
on any book sale.
I left the office,
Went outside,
Then I hear:
Listen, hi.
One of the
publishers,
The youngest one.
Our dialog:
How much you want?
Ha, ha! For what?
For what you wrote.
Why?
I changed my mind on
doing something this night.
Just take it, please,
I write more, about what they want.
Do you have a dream?
A wish?
I want to live
overseas…
10. This morning someone knocked to my door.
Good friend of mine,
Not very close, but
all right.
She had a green
stinky something on her face.
What is that? I said.
Irina, you going to
like this:
All this week she was
sick, face puffed up,
Life fucked up...
Like a frog, could
not even talk.
First she thought,
The mother-in-law
kept the world,
Came up with the
plan,
No much love going
there as I understand.
But it was not the
mother-in-law,
Only allergy on a thermal
water.
Back to life desire
was only a bottle of wine
I walked her to the
store, make sure she will be fine
With all the
thoughts.
A teenage girl caught
us,
Asking if we can get
her a bottle.
We like, sure, of
course, fine,
We will buy you ten
bottles of wine.
Just give us 3000 to
pay the fine.
The girl got scared,
thinking we were two crazy ladies.
We went for shopping,
I bought new creams,
Went to the water
park,
I am all red, in Russia we call it a tan.
So our day is going
great!
