1. The Ketchup
Story.
My friend has a daughter
just turned sixteen.
On every girl's birthday I
get s gift of my dream.
The story goes back sixteen
years ago,
We were naive, didn't much
know.
And this my friend meet a
man of her dream.
Everything was perfect
until he said
She has to be first for
him, and he as well.
It was a problem, but I
always believe if we have a chance, we go for it.
The ketchup was my idea.
I wrote a few lines,
She mixed with the wine.
It was a perfect love story,
A piece of art.
Two liters bottle was gone,
The ketchup was everywhere,
On his head, on the lamps,
on the floor.
(He believed).
And nine months after the
little girl was born.
Now she is sixteen.
Who can say the tomato
ketchup is not a beautiful thing.
2. My I sister
asks me every day
What's "the news of
the day".
Today " new" -
I forgot to wear a skirt to
work.
Everyone was like
"wow"
What is it,
A new style?
Got lots of compliments
too.
3. The Farm
Story.
My mom called me last night:
Can you invest little more
money in my farm...
What about the money I sent
already?
She was like, we have a
little problem on the farm over here.
My mom and her friend had a
thought,
I think in a crazy dream at
night,
The free "retired
doctor" life is not the same without big fight.
The farm was the brilliant
idea.
They got chickens, ducks,
goats, few pigs and a cow.
So they can make lots of
money.
To make money farming, it
sad to say,
But you have to
"finish the farming" on not very good day.
Everyone was happy until
the time to say the animals good bye.
My brother- in- law refused
right away,
In no life he will run
after the pig with a knife.
My mother's friend, already
" an idiot son- in- law" now was the last hope, the "main
killer" they all believed in.
It was one big dream.
Well, he had a heart attack
trying to kill the pig.
One month in the hospital,
two at home,
Diapers require, dinner in
bed.
He might not be the same
after all.
All with him now is mad
mama - in- law,
Very much everyday.
But the pig is okay.
Everyone worries about that
pig first for some way.
4. My First
Job.
Once upon a time,
Lets say that way,
I wanted to be a cop,
And I went good way.
College, university,
Papa with few friends.
I got my uniform.
Tight blue pants, bright lip gloss,
No top button on my shirt.
Lots of make up.
I went for a ride to show
off my friends.
Someone screamed at the same second,
"Police, police, we need help!"
The girls were fighting.
I had never seen anything like that.
Those bitches (sorry, no other word)
Were so exited,
Knifes, bracelets made from blades, blood everywhere,
I asked myself,
What a f... I was doing right here?
Wasn't it a party, with a
cake, not glass everywhere.
The girls were pushing me, telling to get a f... out.
(Probably knew my thoughts).
If I had a gun, they would take it.
Likely you have to work for a months or few to get it.
Well, I completely freaked out.
Instead of calling for help,
I called my mama...
The next was not very funny.
My mother showed up,
Aunts (three),
Eighty years old grandma and
Of course my daddy with few his friends.
Someone recognized the girls,
So they called their parents.
The Police General had no luck at all.
He had to explain for a year what happened that day.
He called me in the office,
The very next day, smile of course,
Irina, may be there is something else
You want to do?
Which I already knew, police was not my dream.
That day had changed everything.
5. Long time
ago,
Every summer,
I was spending with my
great grand mama.
Old Russian village, far
away.
She would wake up me at 4
every single day,
Saturday, Sunday,
She didn't care:
Why? You are not old, you
don't work.
Wake up! Go drink tea,
watch TV, go out.
Another old lady was
knocking the door:
Is she still in the bed?
You gonna spoil her.
Through the years, trough
the time,
I hear great grandma's
voice, see her smile:
Everything will be fine,
Everything will be fine.
Ever since,
I wake up at 4 and I do
what I want.
6. We are going
to the bachelor party,
And I am giving up styling
my hair,
Because I always look like
a hooker or a cleaning lady.
Now my girlfriend is in my
house almost without the hair.
When I looked at her first,
I only could ask:
What happened?
She mixed the bleach with
the color,
And waited for 50 minutes.
I hope it wouldn't affect
the marriage...
The bride got drunk before
everyone else,
Now under the table.
More liqueur and strippers
than guests,
I guess its time to say:
"Good luck, I wish the best!"
7. “Dating
story”
Today my friend Kery
Begged me to go on a date
with her and her new boyfriend.
May be I could see what she
doesn't want to see.
May be I could talk.
Fine, but I should have
brought a huge bottle of wine.
The "boyfriend"
was okay except he was touching himself in weird way,
Almost all the time.
Still I decided to stay,
wait for another surprise.
The surprise didn't wait
for too long.
First was his life story,
What his parents did wrong
When he was 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12,
Thirteen year was nice (one
more surprise),
was horrible 14, 15, 16,
17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23,
24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30,
31, 32, 34,
Thirty five was fine (slept
with a woman for the first time),
36, 37 were bad, then now
(finally) 38.
Sorry, but this how the
date went.
Glad he didn't start from
one month,
I don't think the wine I
didn't buy would last.
Then he talked about his
boss,
Who asked to work at work
(Crazy boss).
Then was the fiancé of one
day,
Who didn't call back and
left from the window door (was the first floor).
The gold fish did not want
to eat,
A dog barked somewhere...
I ended the date right
there:
Kery, wake up (she was
sleeping in the salad)
End his misery right now,
Where is the fork?
8. This morning
someone knocked to my door.
Good friend of mine,
Not very close, but all
right.
She had a green stinky
something on her face.
What is that? I said.
Irina, you going to like
this:
All this week she was sick,
face puffed up,
Life fucked up...
Like a frog, could not even
talk.
First she thought,
The mother-in-law kept the
world,
Came up with the plan,
No much love going there as
I understand.
But it was not the
mother-in-law,
Only allergy on a thermal
water.
Back to life desire was
only a bottle of wine
I walked her to the store,
make sure she will be fine
With all the thoughts.
A teenage girl caught us,
Asking if we can get her a
bottle.
We like, sure, of course,
fine,
We will buy you ten bottles
of wine.
Just give us 3000 to pay
the fine.
The girl got scared,
thinking we were two crazy ladies.
We went for shopping, I
bought new creams,
Went to the water park,
I am all red, in Russia we call it a tan.
So our day is going great!
9. I have known
her since I was 10 years old.
We have the same story,
The same all.
Parents that went separate
ways,
School, streets after,
Lots of new friends.
It was our way not by the
choice.
Lots of make up, tight
uniforms.
We were 90th high school
girls.
She started to drink,
I followed her
Until someone opened the
first art school.
It game me a shelter,
It gave me a hope.
And all she did - she said
"no",
Wasting of time, boring,
for kids.
Now she is still on those
old streets.
15. I will finish my
family working story,
Will talk a bit about my
stepbrothers.
They are both businessmen,
But first, of course,
married men.
I think they would love to
care more about their work, only what the wives will say again,
On the phone calling: When
are you going to be at home?
Both my stepbrothers are
under 100% control.
Like in army, step a side
considers as running away time.
One time I was in a store
with him, his wife and my father, buying a cake for their daughter,
And some girl from the
counter smiled:
Thanks for driving us home
last night.
We all were speechless for
a minute
Probably knew where it all
will be going.
His wife smiled too:
That's very nice.
And not a word on the way
home.
Near the door, holding ten
bags in each hand,
My stepbrother whispered:
She is going to kill me
now.
They had a huge fight,
because he was not allowed to drive a woman in the car.
And he didn't tell
anything,
Even bigger thing...
What he thinks she is
stupid,
Letting her husband go with
a woman.
Now, since they have a
baby,
He is going everywhere with
the baby,
Or with his daughter or
son.
Never alone, who would him
alone leave home.
His friends gave up on him,
Calling only when they have
a reason talk about diapers or wipes,
Or have a picnic with all
kids and wives.
16. I go to work to relax,
I hope its not a surprise.
I cannot be busy at work
and at home,
I had to choose,
It works well so far and
since we talk about work,
This how my relatives work.
My sister is always in thoughts
about her husband.
They are in love.
She goes to work to dream
and plan dinner.
My father has a simple
office, he doesn't like much stuff.
Lots of food in the fridge,
he has one,
And desk is enough.
The most important part,
The lock from inside.
Before my stepbrothers got
married,
They used to bring girls to
my father's doctor office all the time,
After 6 o'clock when he was
at home on his farm.
All the years, the nurses
thought that my father was bringing different women.
Who could say anything to a
doctor anyway,
May be only his wife.
My aunt has and has a big
couch at her office.
She works until its dark
and she is afraid to go outside.
Shower in the sink, cookies
and tea.
My mom always had opened
doors,
She had 5 minutes for each
patients, because then she was becoming inpatient:
Show me x-ray, everything
is okay, goodbye.
What complaints, go see a
physiatrist.
My grandmother had the
nicest office,
She was a boss, everything
new, clean, but you cannot touch.
Only for meetings, for our
city leaders.
Porters of communist
leaders on the walls everywhere.
My uncle had a dog at work,
His wife told she or dog
would have to go.
My uncle looked at the dog
first,
Then he had to live at work
for about a month,
The wife was mad.
Letter some couple liked
the dog and my uncle could go home,
I think he still apologize
for looking at the dog first.
17
21. One time
I asked old lady
How can she help somebody
Without really know them,
Not being a doctor,
Just touching hands.
She said, you see the image.
And this image comes once in a while in your
mind.
This when you, yourself smile,
Because you know you can help,
Everything will be fine.
You can see yourself
At that time,
You talk to this person, smile, make laugh,
give a hug.
You at home look at the sky,
Smile again, because the sky with you already.
When the first picture gone,
This when the person recovers.
You start to feel happy
When you touch hand, you giving the energy,
You feel heat from the skin,
You believe so strong,
Nothing ever goes wrong.
22
23. One time
we had fireworks in my house,
Was after New Year,
Me and a few school girlfriends,
And we burned the Christmas tree.
The firefighters walked in,
They said never seen anything like that:
School girls dressed like hookers drinking
champagne.
The boss of that rout had to talk my mother or
father.
I had to call to my mom lying about a bomb.
This how she meet her new boyfriend.
34.
I never thought much about life at all.
Until I got my first paid job,
Cleaning rooms and floors at my grandmother's
hospital.
I studied in school, had own things to go,
Didn't care a bit about sick people.
Then I saw life, the life beyond.
Many times I heard from my grandmother:
You will be fine, nothing to worry about.
I told her: you are just lying.
My grandmother pushed another doctor:
Look at her?!
May be you can predict the future?
Let's bet, if they recover, I will give you my
one year salary,
Of course I say what I want.
If not, the garden, for entire simmer is
yours.
It was mine...
And every day, everyone in the hospital was so
exited about every test,
So many people walking or riding around:)
I could not stop cleaning the shit...
Every patient was happy, no problems at all,
Like it was a little slip on the floor.
Visitors were staring at me: oh, everyone is a
doctor.
We all had to wear white uniforms,
I looked like a doctor or nurse.
I had to smile, pretend nothing to worry
about,
Gave my prognoses, I learned from the books.
Then I just thought, may be really,
Those people this all want to hear.
And somehow, the one we talked with my
grandmother,
Got out, fully recovered, never been better
ever since,
They are still our friends.
35.
Outside was very cold, winter, snow.
Where could he be gone?
Where to go?
Little girl, only seven,
Nanny, second mother
Looking for a big fast boy, her little
brother.
Streets all checked, house too,
Asking neighbors, no.
Where else to go, what to do?
Parents will be soon.
May be he run outside of the village.
She decides to go in forest, try to find,
Snow, everything white.
Walking, calling, big trees, spinning wind.
Someone slapping the face a bit:
Hey, wake up, why do you sleep in the snow?
Beautiful woman dressed like Queen,
Shining like gold:
Hey, wake up, don't sleep in the snow,
Your brother is at home, go home too.
Are you the Queen?
The woman smiled, surprised a bit:
No?! I am your Guardian Angel...
47.
I worked at a bank for about a year.
Was a new employee and like everywhere.
Did what I told, no complaints,
With hope to get one dollar raise.
Nothing special, except one day
I don't really forget.
Salary time, on a factory, far in suburbs,
It was once a month like a "big bank
curse".
Criminal region, dark and insane.
Everyone in the bank like:
We have a new employee to train!
All looking at me:
Go suburbs, it is okay,
You are young, you can walk all day!
No bases, two hours way,
But lots of stars will shine anyway.
No cell phone, take mine,
We are sure, you’ll be fine.
.
The factory office, I worked all,
Tons of complains, but I smiled anyway,
Thinking only when are they all will go home.
Finely, finely the day is over.
And I have all night to get home.
Alone, no light, no bases, not taxi.
Craziest time.
No, there was the moon, my new friend.
If I did ever something wrong,
It will be forgotten now for all.
I
was really at the end nowhere,
Just me, the star and the moon.
Then something pushed me at the back very
hard.
I jumped, I had no idea what was that.
All I thought, will I ever see my mama, my
dear.
When I landed, speaking that way,
I had no time to think.
I went home, woke up earlier the very next
day.
Took a taxi to see that place anyway.
What I looked at, surprised me or shocked me,
What's better to say.
At the place where I jumped,
Where I met the strange force,
There was a big hole on the road,
Full of junk, garbage, wood, pieces of railway
road,
It can fit even a tank, a big one.
In the dark I went the wrong way.
48.
Long time ago me and my grandma
Went to see her friend,
Who lived very far from the city ,
In the middle of the forest.
I thought we would never make it.
(Somewhere in this place,
But we could not find the right way).
When he only looked at me,
He smiled and said:
She has different eyes,
Let her stay with me.
I was only 15, why would stay with an old man?
My grandma was happy, agreed right away,
We stayed for a week.
All thought to run away, boring,
Picking grass, mushrooms, feting birds.
After a while I forgot all bout him,
Then last year I was explaining colors to my
son.
I said my eyes are blue,
My son did not agree.
He said its green and blue.
